Trans-nationalization

This blog is begging for thematic coherence, and I think for now we'll settle on the theme of being a trans-national (and trans-racial) family. We jumped headlong into adopting a daughter from another country for a variety of reasons - but mostly because we'd always imagined that we would. I loved being pregnant, and I was fortunate to have 3 easy, largely uneventful pregnancies that yielded 3 very healthy, sweet, and funny boys. But we also yearned to adopt - both because we truly felt in our hearts that there was a child out there in the world (or several) who needed us to be his or her parents. Going abroad seemed safer in many ways. We wouldn't need to worry about birthparents coming back to reclaim their son or daughter, the process itself was very transparent - at least in 1999 - and we'd be certain that our child truly needed parents by the time that we'd be able to come and bring her home. And it gave us a chance to become a trans-national family - we'd be able to learn about another culture, celebrate new holidays, hopefully meet new Chinese-American friends, cook Chinese food...you get the idea.

Fast forward 8 years and now our children are confronting questions, such as "are you REALLY" his sister/her brother?" and I'm expecting that my daughter has many challenges ahead as a person of color - the stereotypes, the prejudice - and the intrusive questions on the playground about her looks, her Asian heritage...and most painful of all - why her birthmother (probably phrased by adoption-insensitive third graders as her "real" mother) didn't keep her.

Bottom line - I think the way to navigate this path from middle childhood through the thorny tween, and even thornier teen years is to face these issues head on. We need to all be able to express our beliefs clearly, positively, and with a strong sense of confidence and pride in our family's identity. Humor can help, but it's not a panacea. Directness is key. Our daughter and our sons need to know how to respond to confrontations, and if these are negative, we need to nurture and support them after they occur and guide them to positive resolutions.

Very hard work indeed...but hopefully someday my Chinese-American...and maybe even African-American or Latino-American grandchildren will benefit from these efforts.